Let's Extort Some College Basketball Program
It's Only Cheating If You Get Caught
Dino Gaudio is a name most people don’t recall despite his Army and Wake Forest stints. Not anymore, though. This fella made his way back in the news in a fanciful fashion.
According to people who weren’t just a few months ago clamoring for him to have a job, Gaudio allegedly attempted to extort Louisville. Basically, a federal charge is levied against him under the extortion allegation because the government needs to protect colleges from teenagers getting VHS tapes sent to them or something.
Chris Spatola @Chris_SpatolaI’ve known Dino Gaudio for 25 years. He’s as good a man, coach & friend as you could know. When coaches like him become expendable we’ve lost our way. Those decisions are rarely rewarded in the long term.
Honestly, the fuck if I know. Extortion is against the law, even if I don’t care about the reason Gaudio thought he could do it. Send Dangerous Dino to the pokey if he’s guilty.
A text dump is about to follow, but the context is pretty important.
According to the charge, Gaudio, during an in-person meeting with Louisville officials on March 17, "threatened to report to the media allegations that the University of Louisville men's basketball program had violated [NCAA] rules in its production of recruiting videos for prospective student-athletes and its use of graduate assistants in practice, unless the University of Louisville paid [Gaudio] his salary for an additional 17 months or provided the lump sum equivalent of 17 months of salary."
What a brazen move by our hero. He’s our hero now, by the way. Bump The Cutter is turning heel. Anyone willing to believe they can get 17 months of salary by threatening a university via tattle-telling is the GOAT.
At Bump The Cutter, snitches don’t get stitches. Snitches get riches.
Well, except Gaudio. He might end up in the big house if the allegations are true. Hopefully, for his sake, Michael Scofield is in yet another jail for yet another outlandish reason and can help Dino break the hell out.
Of all the things someone can extort a school for, this is the lamest. I mean, if a school like Louisville only fired Rick Pitino as some backward Lifetime Achievement In Grossness Award, ignoring seconds in a restaurant and a billion other scandalous endeavors, the hell Gaudio think it’ll do when some bloke goes, “Oh hey give me monies or I’ll tell people you taped videos and other pretty tame violation stuff!”
You know what. Fuck this clownshoes mother fucker. Dino Gaudio is no longer BTC’s hero. It’s Rick Pitino. That man did a billion things the opposite of how Dick Vitale screams and cries about how they should be done, then still gets Dick Vitale to cape for him as if Rick is blackmailing him with footage of Dick doing something naughty.
Maybe that’s the case. As all us Elite Level Blackmailers know (we’re unionized, for what it’s worth), we realize we’ve made it to the upper tier of extortion whenever the public doesn’t find out we’re doing it.
At least Fran Fraschilla and some others finally have their answer.
We’re going to keep this portion short. It’s not for me or you. Not in simple terms, at least.
At best, it can help us put life and family in perspective.
Over at The Ringer, Jonathan Tjarks wrote a heavy piece regarding his cancer diagnosis and his mental fallout since. I urge you to read it. If you’re like me, it’ll bring you to near tears, resulting in you immediately reprioritizing what’s important in your life.
Wishing him and his nothing but the best. I don’t know Jonathan at all, but there’s nothing wrong with praying for people you’re several degrees of separation from.
Fuck You, Allergies
Yes. This is a college basketball newsletter. Sure. This complaint is coming a single section after something far more important, highlighting just how ungrateful I am to have such a small problem.
HOWEVER, allergies can go kick rocks.
We (ugh, I) missed Monday’s post for a variety of reasons. On Wednesday, Jess and I released the podcast in which my voice sounds as if my nose is being clinched by Edward Scissorhands.
And now? At the time of this writing (Thursday evening), I planned on going long with this edition of the newsletter to make up for Monday’s inability to scribble words on (allegedly) Al Gore’s internet, yet my eyeballs are itchier than… well… something incredibly itchy.
Is grass itchy? Fake cotton? Whatever fake cotton is called. Yeah. That shit is itchy.
“Oh, Joseph,” one of you fine subscribers is ready to say. “Why don’t you take allergy medicine.”
Here is the thing: I did, but it was the liquid variety since I cannot swallow pills.
Ignore the fact I’ve roamed this planet for nearly four decades and only take medicine in liquid form — a different story for a time I’ll never actually follow through with — it didn’t work.
We can put a man on the moon but the United States government can’t put behind partisan issues to pass a bill banning allergies? Fucking cowards.
Joseph Nardone covered college basketball for nearly a decade at various outlets. He’s now writing fiction because he’s a fucking idiot and a glutton for punishment. Twitter is @JosephNardone. If you say mean things to him, he’ll just yell at his ceiling.