Final Four Preview
Plus: King Kong and Godzilla Are Weak Sauce (SPOILERS)
King Kong and Godzilla nearly lost in a handicap match during their feature bout. The one designed to highlight their otherworldliness, majesty and prowess to the point we, the audience, need to be in awe of them. We were meant to leave the theater — or our couch — shook to the core in disbelief.
Then an enhanced dustbuster nearly got their ass at the same time. Imagine The Rock and Steve Austin teaming up to lose to mother fucking Bastion Booger. I don’t care what previous lore claims about Robot-Zilla, that movie had no earned pieces to it.
Whoever owns the rights to these alleged Titans sure did some poor as piss booking.
Vince McMahon would be proud. VKM loves big sweaty things. Come on, you know that meme! He’s also a fan of poorly worked matches devolving to the point no one looks good by the end. WrestleMania should be fun!
Drew Timme is on an absolute ripper for Gonzaga. Over the last three games, he’s averaging 25 points while shooting some absurdly high number from the field I’m too lazy to look up. It’s somewhere over 60 percent, but then there’s math involved after that since basketball-reference didn’t do it for me. And as I tell my children, fuck math. That shit will get you now where slow.
Moreover, what about that goddamn fucking robot in Godzilla versus King Kong cinematic feature? Some tentpole villain with zero character development loses control because it became sentient since he hooked the thing up to the main villain from King of Monsters; another ghastly movie nowhere close to as good as Skull Island.
Me, ATS (against the spread, non-gambling friends) this season: 0-0-0 since I’m not here to grift you with lies or sell you on hogwash. If you want to waste your money on @DolphinScuttleButt666’s advice on Twitter because he’s loud, so be it.
Seriously, how can two movies (King of Monsters and Zilla v Kong) have such stellar casts, but be so god damn awful in terms of acting? At least the most recent of the two was mindlessly fun. KoM? It’s like being a national college basketball media member pretending some entitled hack is great just because they have a base of followers you wouldn’t mind enlisting in your endless quest to fulfill a thirst for validation through blind retweets.
Jealous? Envious? Wayward and alone? Me? Why do you ask?!
The key to a good newsletter? To lower expectations. To admit in nearly every post you no longer self-edit, absolving you from grammatical errors and other writing sins. After that, simply insert zero subject headlines, opting instead for hard transitions without any formal hard breaks.
FAKE HARD BREAK INBOUND SINCE I’M STARTING TWO CONSECUTIVE GRAPHS WITH “THE KEY TO…” - SUBSCRIBE
The key to rebuilding a mid-major program is finding a disgraced coach who is otherwise good, yet can never be hired by a big-time program due to past transgressions. Houston, like Iona with seven seconds or less Rick Pitino, did that with Kelvin Sampson. He is decidedly not Mike Woodson; though he also had a stint with the Fighting Bobby Knights of Indiana.
FBKI: Patent pending. All proceeds from future merch sold will go to the J.O.E. Fund of Me.
Will Mike Woodson be a good coach for a program as prestigious as Indiana? The literal fuck if I know.
Well, it can’t be literal. There’s no fucking being had in here, buddy boy. This is a college basketball shitpost. If you want fucking in your basketball blog posts, read an NBA one, you coward.
Nevertheless, for every not John Goodman who takes to Stadium to kinda-sorta republish his piece on Juwan Howard from the year before but tossing Mike Woodson in the headline — claiming NBA people are bad! — there’s a whole six of us who will admit to not knowing.
Not knowing is okay. It’s fine. Pretending to know the unknowable is silly, anyway. It’s like that friend you had when you were 12-years-old who gave you all that sex advice.
Sure, Paul, that’s where I’m supposed to stick it. How in the fuck do you know again? From all that sex you are having at 12?
Paul was right, by the way. He probably had bad parents with an insane porn collection. Who knew it wasn’t the earhole?
Woodson has a background in college, and the National Basketball Association of Adam Silver’s Goodwill Is Starting To Dwindle, is likely to be solid to good to something that resembles a member of the human species on the sidelines.
What I’ve learned covering college hoops for over a decade is it doesn’t matter… until it does. All the hot-seat columns, before-it-happens narrative drivers, so on and so forth, there’s no skin in the game. To some of us, to the hip who know heaven is only 10-feet high (this was my AIM away message), not-knowing is the new black.
Knowing? It gets you yelled at on Twitter by mean people with craniums and keyboards. I have a keyboard, yes, why do you ask?
We use the same bad joke twice in one column because THE VOID MEANDER is edgy like that.
Sure as shit you’ll find everyone retweeting their old column about WHY THEY WERE GOD DAMN RIGHT about whatever hire. At the same time, it’s either crickets when they are wrong or a variation of “I am glad I was wrong, but if you really read the column, you’ll notice that one sentence in paragraph nine where I hedged like a fucking champ!”
Speaking of champs, holy Baylor Bears, Batman! I’m old enough to remember this school being riddled in scandal for murder… then again for an insane amount of campus sexual assault so bad places stopped covering the thing out of fear of osmosis or something… then again because…
Speaking of, what happened to all the Penn State and Michigan State coverage? Man, Tom Izzo has to be secretly pumped the pandemic hit, right? Before the pandemic, it was all “now is not the time to be speaking about,” and after the pandemic the college hoops media is “oh yay, hoops for me!”
Well, maybe Baylor is not that bad. Baylor isn’t Liberty or 2021 NCAA Tournament fan-favorite Oral Roberts.
Seriously. In 2021 you cannot claim you spoke to a 900-foot tall Jesus, build a religion off it, then have a school named after you. Trust me, I tried it 30 minutes ago. My neighbor called the cops on me. I’m writing this newsletter post in the back of a police car because white entitlement.
Kyle Chandler is good in a lot of the shit he’s been in. In King of Monsters, he was abominable. To be fair to him, so was nearly everyone else. The solution when it came to Godzilla vs. King Kong? To apparently give him seven minutes of screen time in the hope everyone saw KoM, then cared enough about how he cared about his daughter to make the connection on behalf of the director’s laziness… or something.
Likely something, but semantics can eat the shit out of that robot’s ass.
Super Cronin emerged for UCLA far earlier than projected. There are no holes in the tub and the rubber duck is thriving! The Bruins are — REALISTICALLY — a handful of years ahead of schedule if we’re basing this on terms relative to “when should they return to the Final Four.”
Facing an all-time Zags team, then more than likely losing, surely won’t turn Bruins fans sour. They’re as even-keeled as Indiana fans, or those St. John’s fanatics who still think it’s 1984, or those DePaul fans who…
HAHAHHAH DEPAUL HAS NO FUCKING FANS.
DePauling joke, I know. Sorry, Dan and the other three Blue Demons fans.
At the end of the day, I just want a good string of Godzilla and King Kong movies. Skull Island, why by no means perfect, was good enough. That’s all these films need to be since they’re so (rightfully) reliant upon the Titans for cheap thrills.
Warner, get the Russo bros and call it a day. Thanks in advance, Joseph.
Mark Emmert, you fucking Lamashtu for university presidents, not only did you and your pals fail to do the smart thing by getting ahead of politicians for NIL, you botched the Women’s NCAA Tournament so bad, then handled the aftermath of that so poorly, you got to keep your job!
Your job again? Oh, it’s for knuckleheads like me to yell at you instead of all the university presidents who use you as a shield to protect themselves from criticism. You’re all, honestly, going to be remembered poorly. Likely as the last gatekeepers of the exploitation of labor.
“No, it wasn’t me, Matt Norlander,” says University of Broken Dreams president Justin Sane. “We wanted Johnny McBucketmaker to do this thing we didn’t allow him to do, but Marky Mark and the NCAA Funky Bunch said… and it only cost our conference a million bucks a year to have him say it!”
Joseph Nardone covered college basketball for nearly a decade at various outlets. He’s now trying to write fiction because he’s a fucking idiot and a glutton for punishment. Twitter is @JosephNardone. If you say mean things to him, he’ll just yell at his ceiling.